Three Ways Couples Deal with Conflict

"Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

Ephesians 5:33 is often taken to the extreme (and not always in the best way) to explain the relationship between a husband and wife. I am always amazed by how sensitive the Word of God is when pointing out the most difficult subjects with kindness. In this passage, Paul takes the time to explain and underline the importance for the husband to love his wife and the wife submitting (under the direction of) her husband, as if to emphasize the need for both the husband, and the wife, to repeatedly be reminded, again and again, that their marriage must be based on LOVE and RESPECT.

The husband-wife relationship is indeed complex, and we need all the help and advice that the Word of God can give us. Unfortunately, we sometimes have preconceived ideas that alter our chances of success in this beautiful adventure of marriage in the service of God.

Here is one of these preconceived ideas that has deep roots in our minds: “A happy couple is a couple that never fights!”  FALSE!

A couple that lasts is a couple that knows how to resolve conflict with the goal of reaching a “win-win” solution.

For example, we can define three styles of couples by looking at how they manage their conflicts:

• The couple that validates each other

• The couple that explodes

• The couple that avoids confrontation

The couple that validates each other: “Hmm…yes, I understand.”

The husband and wife often repeat the other’s words, always trying to understand their spouse, and, after arguing, find a compromise. This is their go to model for conflict resolution. Very often, the two spouses have different spheres of influence. They demonstrate unity, and harmony, in their goals and the way to attain them.

They don’t need a lot of Independence from the other spouse.

The risk associated with this type of marriage is that it could become a simple arrangement, without passion, and that their love might transform into a friendship with no romance.

If you recognize yourselves in this type of relationship, rejoice, and bless the Lord for your solid marriage. Put extra effort into keeping your relationship “spicy”. Bring a little craziness in your love of each other, so that it remains full of life until the end.

The couple that explodes: “…Yes, you did!” “No, I didn’t!”

The husband and wife confront each other in a verbally “explosive,” way, and an equal amount of pleasure in the reconciliation. The two spouses are equally engaged in the argument. We could call them the “volcanic couple.” They both interrupt each other, and ask questions. They know how to keep maintain personal space, and maintain a common goal, in order to resolve their conflicts.

The risk associated with this type of marriage is the self-destruction, if the husband and wife forget the dangers of these explosions, and hurt their spouse in an irreversible way.

If you recognize yourselves in this type of relationship, always keep the safety and well-being of your spouse as your focal point, so that you can enjoy many more emotionally rich, and joyful years together. Watch out for the storms that could sink your boat.

The couple that avoids confrontation: “Agree to disagree…”

The husband and wife avoid conflict at all cost because they prefer to not face their differences rather than sorting them out. For this couple, resolving a conflict means that one of the two will have to accept, and follow, the other’s opinion. The bond that unites them is stronger than the disagreements that could separate them. They function comfortably, each of them in a slightly independent sphere.

The risk associated with this type of marriage, is that the husband and wife won't know how to function when faced with a disagreement that requires significant emotional investment to find a solution, letting fear and negativity overwhelm them to the point of avoiding the problem completely.

If you recognize yourselves in this type of relationship, learn to listen to each other’s arguments without fear. Also, take the time to do some introspection to better understand your own positions.

No matter your couple "type", your chances of success are only as good as the extent to which you keep God in the middle of your cord of three strands, and to which your spouse’s happiness stays your primary objective.

Ban all negative and hurtful criticism, defensive positions, and the building of walls between you.

Learn to manage your conflicts so that you can both be winners!

Learn practical tools to build your marriage on a solid foundation in Developing a Healthy Marriage.