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I would like to address here (in a non-exhaustive way) a very real aspect of the fight led by women that is too often ignored: Female fantasies.
In a recent study done on pastoring in North America, the majority of pastor’s wives interviewed said the event that had the most destructive impact on their marriage and family was entry into the ministry!
Another study conducted by Focus on the Family documents that 84% of pastor’s wives are discouraged or struggling with depression.
Being a pastor’s wife in the States is no easier than in other countries of the world.
Women need deep intimacy on an emotional level. They will give sex to their husbands in order to receive love. Their bodies, minds, hearts, and souls are closely intertwined. They are stimulated by what they hear. They function with cycles that influence their emotions.
In the absence of a real and strong emotional connection, they are vulnerable to infidelity.
Wives of pastors, the blows taken in the service of God, the repeated frustrations, and the suffering also expose you to this kind of danger.
For women, often, everything happens in the secrets of her heart and thoughts. Suffering and isolation, unfortunately, increase the size of this secluded place.
A few symptoms:
The comparison of her husband with other men.
"Ahhhh, if only my husband was more like this man..."
Comparisons at the physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and social levels do not produce any good fruit. Comparisons degrade the image of the husband in the eyes of his wife, and do not encourage respect, but encourage growing disappointments in the man whom God has chosen specifically, for her.
We can compare these feminine thoughts to the addiction of some men to pornography.
Gradually, the flame that was lit in the beginning of the relationship withers and no longer produces enough heat to warm the heart!
Making a list of your husband's unique qualities, strengths, and peculiarities is a great way to rekindle that flame. What are the reasons you were first attracted to him?
Matthew 5: 27-28 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery. But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." (NLT)
Exposure to soap operas, romantic films, romance novels, reconnection with old friends or "lovers", or even a complete stranger via the virtual world.
By proxy, through the various media and modern means, a woman can cultivate an emotional relationship outside of her marriage, hiding behind a book, a heroine, or a computer keyboard. It seems so much simpler, more secure... We can pretend to be a different person, change our situation, and embellish our reality.
We come to confuse the intensity of this virtual stimulation with real intimacy that is built one day at a time, on both the good and bad days.
Filtering what you invite into your heart and your thoughts is essential. Exposure and overexposure tend to numb our judgment and our resistance to all these external sources of stimulation that pollute our minds.
Would I watch this movie with other people from my church? Would I have this conversation if my husband was in the same room, or if he could what I'm writing? Do I have to go through and purge my list of contacts, books, and films?
Luke 6:45, “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. "
Philippians 4:8 “… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things."
The fantasy of belonging to another man, made possible by the imaginary death of the husband.
The feeling that with another man, marriage would be easier is an illusion that diverts the desire to invest wholeheartedly in the success of the current marriage.
Keeping your thoughts captive is essential to resist this temptation when the reality is too painful. David, in Psalm 26:2 says, “Examine me, Lord, and put me to the test; refine my mind and my heart.” He doesn't speak of his actions but of his secret thoughts!
Colossians 3:5, "Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness - which is idolatry."
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God."
May God help us to keep our thoughts and our hearts pure for Him, despite difficulties and disappointments, knowing that the plans He has made for us are full of hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
“Sow a thought and you reap an action;
Sow an act and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit and you reap a character;
Sow a character and you reap a destiny.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Rachel Miquel Dufour
Rachel Miquel Dufour is a counselor, speaker, pastor, therapist, and renown international sexologist. As she travels the world, she interacts with women whose faulty understanding of sexuality imprisons them and she then leads them to a place of empowerment and freedom. Her French background, experience as a mother of five sons, missionary work in Asia, the years she spent as a pastor in France, and her experience as a therapist, all contribute to her unique perspective. She and her husband, Eric, are the founders of Serving Alongside Ministry (SAM), an organization providing counseling and support to Christian leaders all over the globe. Rachel is currently working on her Doctor of Ministry in Counseling with Vision International University in Ramona, California.
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